Sometimes in Life, decisions are made, that are hard to fulfill. Along with those decisions, you may get the occasional "butterflies" or "pit's" in your stomach. Honestly, I have been down that path before, and, I am going through it right now. It's not always an easy thing to accomplish, but it's got to happen someday.
I have been diffident, as long as I can remember. I think I would have to say it started in Preschool. In my PreK class, as a celebration at the end of the year, you would cross a rainbow bridge to show how you have overcome PreK, and made your way to the next step. Kindergarten. As a preschool, that was always a fun time. You got to pick out your dress, and take pictures with all your friends. It was your first, real experience feeling like a super model. My dress was a white flowered dress, with a hint of blue in it. I remember feeling like a princess. I probably even got caught up in the moment, and asked for a crown. But, that's just knowing me. Anyways.
Long story, short, I didn't cross the bridge alone. After about four minutes of crying hysterically, my teacher, Mrs. Peggy, picked me up, and carried me across the rainbow bridge. I don't remember my exact feelings toward my scene, but they probably were not positive. Now, whenever I see someone who was in my PreK class, and we talk about our past life's, it always comes up. And, on top of that humiliation, I have a video. Sometimes, I will glance back at my childhood videos, and laugh at myself. I will keep rewinding the hilarious scenes, and brag about what a funny kid I was. And, as for the humiliating scenes, I fast forward.
Ever since then, I have been the same way. I get choked up when I hear the words "Oral Presentations". After those dreadful words come out, my body shuts down. I go into panic mode. My head starts to pound, to the rhythm of my heart. My palms get all sweaty, and the "butterflies" start to enter my stomach. I have not yet to find a cure for this illness, but I will need to soon!
For all my oral presentations, I have been through the exact same steps. First, when the teacher calls my name, my heart sinks. Then, I feel the many pairs of eyes watching every single move I make. After that, I feel like there is a butterfly gathering in my stomach. I get the Worst migraine, and my eyes start to explode with tears. It always feel like there are waterfalls behind them, trying to break free. And, the worst thing about the crying is I can't stop it. Once the viewers see your eyes are tear-filled, they know something is wrong, then they will concentrate on your every little movement. Great, more eyes. After all of that madness, it seems like my mouth and my brain are part of two different bodies. I mumble on my words, and sometimes I sound like I am from a different country. Then, along with my mumbling, I start to talk super fast. When I talk fast, no one can understand me. After that, I get the look from the teacher, who I was trying to avoid. When I finish my presentation, I hope to God no one has questions, then I hurry back to my seat, and but my head down. I avoid eye contact with everyone around me, and just start to take deep breaths. That usually doesn't help.
I wish I knew why I do this, but, it is something I will just need to grow out of. This "disease" makes me SO upset sometimes, because I know that I can do it, I just over think it and psych my self out. I am always told I have such a bubbly personality, and how crazy it is that I can't get up in front of people. And, I repeatedly reply with the same answer every time the comment comes up.
Tomorrow I have to sing poorly in front of fifty-four students, and about ten teachers. Non-stop I keep re-playing the bad outcomes in my head. I keep imagining what will take place, and how well I will preform. I imagine me falling well singing, or even worse, not even making it to the stage. I imagine being in the back, in the fetal position, but I am determined I will not let that happen.
The reason for this life story on my blog is because I am trying to clear my mind. Bringing in the good, and taking out the bad. All of this bad, with be left in this blog. I am determined to boost up my self-confidence, and achieve more. I want to be able to get up in front of people and dance until I can't dance anymore, and speak to people without having to worry about crying.
I will write tomorrow about what an amazing job I did, and how my self-confidence is through the roof. But, until tomorrow...Thanks for listening. :)
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